I came to the opinion tat God was unfair to me.. He hav forgotten to put my name into one of his many lists.. Looks, wealth, talents, happiness, a partner... etc.. etc..

Ooh.. but he did put me in a few lists.. the lonely list.. the nothing will go well list..

Of cos, you might say that erm..
I've got good frenz..
I've got a great family..
But tat's jus a matter of opinion..

Anyway, Hsiao Ling said something tat made me rethink abt my opinion..
"Who am I to say God was not fair?"

However, I admit, I'm goin through a rough time wif myself..
But not to worry, I'll be fine..
Still Happy when i see my frenz n family..
Cos they are important to me...
And I treasure them.. All of them..
Love all of u..
Short Post...

Why bother saying things that you know you are not going to keep ur words later?
I'm irritated by them..
You say one thing..
But ur action shows another..
No understanding at all..
Feel irritated..
Sort of completed my work tat I brought home last night..
Well, since I hav the time , might as well blog..
Times are getting harder to pass..
Nowadays, finding people to talk is hard..
No one seem to hav the time to communicate anymore..
Everybody is busy with their own things at hand..
Nobody hav the time to talk, to pick up their phone and to sms..
Saving of phone bill? Mayb..
When people call, they call with a purpose..
All sort of purposes.. except to hav a chat wif u..
I would hav prefer my life in poly..
when we could hav sit down n chit chat..
Not like now, everytime we do sit down together..
it usually for food. After tat, its back to normal..
When will we once again, sit down n chit chat abt all sorts of things?
I dunno..

My department is under going re-structuring..
Nothing is concrete now..
Everything is a mystery..
Until the last min, there might still be changes..
Will I leave or will I be goin, nobody knows..
But now, my decision is to stay..
At least for now..
Cos its hard to find a job at the end of the year..
And of cos, bcos I need to save some money up to get my labtop..
Tml is the final day..
Everything will be said tml..
Decisions will be made by my new boss..
Please pray for me..
That everything will be fine..

Will we move out of our present office?
Nobody knows..
If we does..
I'll miss the place now..
all the talking..
The lunch buddies..
The talkin buddies..
People to talk too..
People to joke with..
I wouldn't say I'm exactly happy here..
Bcos the people here are not exactly at my frequency..
But they are people whom I know will help me n take care of me..
They might not be the ones that I will wan to share everything wif..
Like I did with Jason, Adrian, Ashley, Lynn, Daphne and Raymond..
But I do enjoy my time with them..

Well, you might ask..
how hav my life been..
I would say, it hav been alright..
for the least, I know tat God is with me..
If you ask..
How is my relationship with him..
I would say, onli he will know..
whether or not, my relationship wif him is good..
all i can say is tat..
I still read his words..
I still talk to him everyday..
I still do my quiet time..
A few things tat I dun do now..
Tat i use to do in the past..
is goin to church..
n attending Cell Group..
Hsiao Ling was askin me..
why am i takin so long to go back to attending church?
I couldn't answer her..
Its all bcos of one thing..

Bcos I told myself..
When I left..
I want to go back..
Only when I am ready..
To say that..
I'm goin to church..
Bcos of God..
Not goin for the sake of goin..
I want to go back..
As a new me..
As someone that see goin to church..
not as a routine..
but as a task..
Tat builds my relationship with God..
as a place tat I can rest my soul in him..
Which is what they hav been telling me..
Is the purpose of goin to church..

Like wat Romans said in his blog..
We go church..
for the jams n butter..
not the bread...
Below is quoted from Romans's blog..
"we will not settle for the basic need and what is necessary but rather going for things that are MORE then basic. SO this question came to mind, Is the bread of life enough for me? Or I need something more to make it more effective or special? Like the beauty of the Church building? the warm fellowship of the churchmates? Or the nice music? Or even the interesting activities we organise. We no long focus on the BREAD, but the jams and the butter. To my horror, some may eevn forsake the bread and eat just the butter and the jams and make it their basic need. That means Christian now a days will focus on the churh building, the fellowship of the people, the music and the speculations and not the BREAD, not their relationship with Jesus anymore. LEt's keep praying for ourselves and for one another that we will not end up forsaking the BREAD of life and settle for the Butter and jams."

Like I said..
In the past, when I attended church..
It was like what he mention..
Its was for the jams and butter..
And I forsake the bread..
I'm trying to focus on my relationship with God now..
So that I can get the bread..
N together with the butter n jams..
Make it better..
make it special..
Yoz people.. it has been almost a week since i updated.. or shld i say it has been a week since i use my hse com.. haha.. anyway.. life is getting better.. erm.. hehe.. details are not to be revealed.. anyway.. work has been alright.. my boss has been away for 3 days n i've been workin like crazy.. haha.. now tat she is back, my workload is back to normal.. hehe..

Personal life is more or less the same.. mood is still not veri good.. but at least it is getting better than e previous week.. although we haven't been talkin.. i know there are some of u out there who haven't had a good week either.. Next week will always be better.. Jia You!!

Warning: Random wordings below!!!

Ytd when my dad sent me home, he was askin me abt choices tat i made.. why my bro can always go upgrade himself while i'm not doin the same? come on.. he has SAF to sponsor him wor.. who sponsor me?? I've got to fork out the money myself.. so muz earn first ma.. anyway.. he said abt choices.. which made me start thinkin..

It was said in the bible that everything happens for a reason and God has already planned our lives even before we were born.. so the choices that we made shld already be in his plans isn't it? So why izzit tat when we made some choices, people are still surprise wif it? Isn't it all pre-planned? THe only thing tat we can choose is to whether we wanna believe in him or not.. and tat choice triggers a chain reaction..

To me, i always believe tat everything happens for a reason, no matter whether the thing is good or bad. What seems good might not be tat good afterall and what seems bad might not be tat bad afterall.. People always say," its jus a matter of opinion."

Honestly, i do hav e urge to do certain things.. but there is always other factors or matters that pull me back.. including the issue of goin back to church which Xiao Hui and I had talk n argue abt.. we can never meet at a common point on tat issue.. like i mentioned above.. it's jus a matter of opinion..
national day.. i was suppose to spent it alone.. there was no work.. n no company.. i packed my bag n went to Bedok mac, to write n to draw wordings in e afternoon.. Jae sms me at around 6, askin if i'm keen on a movie wif him n Dan.. i agreed.. so i made my way down to meet them at somerset...Jae ask why i look so grumpy.. i said i look much better now.. indeed i do..

to those people who saw me on mon or even tue, nobody dare or wanted to mess wif me, saying tat i look n was in such a bad mood tat i might jus flare up anytime.. seriously, on tue, tat was exactly how i felt.. i almost flare up at my Asst Mgr.. almost.. but i kept my cool cos i know it will do me no good if i flare up.. so i kept quiet.. but i guess my actions did show... as usual lah.. anyway, i did wat i was told.. to call e PA of my GM to check wat shld be done n get it done.. tat's it.. at the end of the day, my mood got better.. thanks to Xiao Hui who manage to make me laugh a little..

anyway, ya.. i told him, i was feeling much better than mon.. we went mastero bistro(hope i didn't spell it wrongly) for dinner.. the service was bad.. but the food was quite good.. imagine, the server actually serve dan his sundae before we even ate the main course.. haha.. after tat was Hard Candy, the movie.. then was home..

today, on leave.. haha.. on leave means stay at home.. but still need to do some work.. haha.. good day people.. its friday again tml...
I feel that you are irritated with me
I know that you wanna be alone
I know that u wanna be isolated
but i'm worried..
totally no idea
why am i worried..
3 days without contact,
i never had my mood so bad..
it's all bcos of u...

I always thought frenz are suppose to be there when u need them.. even when u wan them to get lost, they will continue to appear bcos they care...

u said u know that there are some things u know i dun like u to do or to say so u avoid doin it.. i thought u understand me.. but in fact u dun realli do.. i bet there is something u people do not know abt me.. is that ur mood are the things that affect me e most.. that if u are feeling upset, i will feel upset too no matter how wonderful my day has been.. that if u are happy, no matter how upset i am wif my life, i will be happy with u.. bcos u are my friend... if u are not, i cannot be bothered.. but u are, as ur mood change, u will see my mood changing too..

i know that no one u will listen to now.. i know tat no words can impact u now.. i jus hope tat u look for me, to share ur woes n happiness n feelings n words.. so tat i know wat is happening.. time, care n concern is all i hav.. jus hope tat these will make u be encourage.. but no matter wat, u need urself to pick u up.. no one can help.. take Care...

i look back n remembered all the time tat we had, as a group, as a friend, as an individual.. how we got to know each other, how i dislike u, how u dislike me, how we became frenz. how we got to know each other better... how i thought u were a brother and a teacher.. the times when we were at Coffeebeans, even though we didn't talk, we enjoyed each others' company.. company is wat i need now n is wat i dun realli hav.. yes, i do get to see lots of people everyday.. but no one do i deem as a company..

people there are lots
company there is little.
acquaintances u hav lots,
friends u hav lesser,
good friends, u hav little.

I'm grateful n contented with the good frenz that i hav.. for they are the best that i can find n i know, no matter wat happen, they will try their best to be there for me.. for that, i'm thankful to God for putting them into my life. they are more important then they think they are. even though at times, i might forget abt lots of things, there are things that i will never forget -- that is the things that they hav done for me. Thanks.
I wrote a whole long essay.. but i decided to delete away.. so tat nobody will know what is happening.. I felt the strong urge to tell him.. but i'm keepin it to myself.. Keepin it wif me forever.. Bcos i know if i let it out.. alot of things will change.. n i dun wan it to change... Why are all these feelings coming to me at tis time? when situations are at their worse state? If I can make a wish.. I wish that situations can be alot better for all of us.. Wishful thinking? I tink so too.. I was questioned abt my faith, questioned abt my love for God, questioned abt the kind of feeling i hav for the 2 of them.. questioned abt why am i doin all these, I'm being questioned abt things tat were the principles of my life.. questioned abt things tat i believe will last forever.. things tat i thought would never change.. things tat i thought were good, turned out bad.. things tat were bad, turned out worse... I always hav this faith in me tat everything tat is bad, will hav a good side of it.. i always believe tat when God take something or someone away from you, he will definitely give u back someone or something tat is the same or even better.. But all these faith tat i believed in, lookin at wat is happening around, I'm being to doubt.. I know i shouldn't.. but why are all these happenin at the same time?